苦悩

The head of Calliteara pudibunda being attacked by many parasites, Gerald J. Lenhard, Louiana State Univ / © Bugwood.org , CC BY 3.0 US via Wikimedia Commons.

Not a frequent writer I am, after all. Perhaps it is to the best. As neither a good writer I am, after all.

A tale of Wikimedia and of real life. Is it? No, a tale of some random idiot fits better.

On Wikimedia projects, I have been active in MMXI and MMXII. At least I was alive. Then it just went on. I did not lose interest. I just lost myself, what I was back in those years. This has influenced many things. And has its roots in some too. On Wikimedia side there was one thing to dent me back then, but generally speaking it played rather an insignificant role.

Do the math how many years since, because of a reason which to the best of my knowledge III people besides me know explicitly and others may have easily guessed, in fall MMXVI I was able to lower my activity to a near zero level. For instance, for the first time since MMXI I had a whole month on Ukrainian Wikipedia with no edits.

Not quite successfully but somewhat bearably it allowed me to focus on other things. I was fortunate to learn about KNU's Language club and finally after many years of learning stagnation my Japanese progressed even if just a tad, so did my Korean and Mandarin rising from zero to the level of having some idea about them if not yet anything that might be called knowledge.

And programming. For the first time in my life I actually started reading some textbooks and language references on the subject. A good thing considering I increase the amount of world's crap code since 2010 or so, programming languages wise.

Looking at those words it looks nice. Too bad that unfortunately I do not have the capacity for it to be so.

I am rooted in wiki-world. It is not bad. I do not really want to leave. But sometimes those roots tug too strong. Asian Month called me back, just to show me how pathetic I am, not being neither return properly, nor help with what I was asked to help with and what promised to do, nor even just partake as a plain participant properly.

And there is WMUA about which I have the stupidity to care. And where Audit Committee membership does not allow me to do exactly nothing, I've got to at least passively observe to preserve something of the self-dignity I had.

What would a sane person do? Quit I am sure. What I do? I get myself re-elected to do the same for another year at least.

Well, one thing I did quit though. *Waves to university* Too bad I will need to return there someday. I would really prefer not to.

Ukwiki. Agreeing on Green Zero's proposal to RfA me was the stupidest thing of the kind I did in a long while. It had its toll on my already not-in-best-shape nerves.

This all being supplemented by regular or irregular injections of the main ingredient of the season's mood. "це звідки?"

Then really stupid events come. A sequence of stupid events. Or choices, whatever you call them.

Why the heck do I apply for Wikimania scholarship? I do not know if I get it at the time of writing this, and well I do want to get it. But isn't it stupid?

Why the heck do I agree to accept Wikimedia Conference scholarship?

Well, it is clearer why the heck I apply for the Strategy coordination contract — being involved in the process I actually wanted to avoid getting involved at all with the preceding act of stupidity and having money bait to boot I took it. But it was really stupid to do. Especially I feel really sorry being chosen when the person suggesting me to apply wasn't. It is just wrong.

For all the time before that doing some stupid things I was still studying some programming. Even if several times slower than I intended to.

Here I am. I have finished Naruto Shippuden. I have started Boruto. I have watched Shigatsu wa Kimi no Uso, I have started Orange. I have watched Mr. Brain. I have started Mirai Nikki. Something is off with this list considering what I was about, right? Exactly.

Oh, and CEE Spring. Quite ironical thing that I have unintentionally left it off the list, isn't it. Another thing where I really want to help, where I promised to help. Though looking back where I did not really had the choice not to do so. And where I am failing.

I am not exactly a no "no" person, but I am too stupid to agree on many things. I am too lazy to do many things. And the more I need to do, the less I do. And no less I agree to do. Or get myself involved into.

This is a tale of no finale as I know not what it is. The best finale I can think of is actually the worst possible common sense wise, and I am not able to do it, which is probably good.

This time it is not a random seriousish FB post among fun ones. This time it is not a random call in Japanese to fluster people I forgot can actually speak the language. Or is it?

The worst thing is when there is no one to call to. Which also makes it pointless. But it is just another pointless thing to do.

No, the worst thing is that I do not care. What I look like now. That's it. What I am doing. That's it.

Erm, is it two weeks ago, for the first time in my life I opened my laptop to clean it up a bit. I was able to reassemble it the way that it turns on after 5th or so try. In the past I would have cold sweat because of this. This time I didn't care.

This is probably the most open public post of mine wherever and whenever. It might be the most open comparing to the ones to come too, though it on contrary might be just the start. You know why, right? Exactly: because I do not care.

There is only one thing worse than that. That there is a thing I do care about.

---

Yay, you've just wasted a minute or two of your time reading it. An achievement not many will obtain.